Craig

crackedemerz @ 2007-04-29T01:52:00

2007-04-29T15:39:25Z

I can't believe I'm still writing in this thing nearly 6 years later. It's actually quite surreal. I hate broadcasting my life to the world, but this week if I don't I'm going to burst. I've met a boy. I know, I know. How is this anything new? I've known him about a week already and it feels like I've known him a lifetime. Honestly, I've never met anyone like him, nor have I felt like this with anyone. We have sooo much in common. I have this running checklist in my head of everything I want in a guy. No one has been able to meet my standards and I seriously thought I was just being silly, but somehow Joey meets them all. I hate to sound cliche and like some stupid 12 year old girl with a crush, but he's perfect. I really hope this lasts, because I don't want this feeling to end.

Can you believe it's been this long?

2007-04-27T15:17:35Z

Yeeeeah...so about writing in this thing. It really hasn't been a priority for me in a LONG time. Honestly I distanced myself from this site because of the drama that was associated with it when I was in high school. I remember countless fights with people over something I said or someone else said on here. Quite frankly it was ridiculous. I guess that's part of my growing up. I re-read all of my journal entries and now they are quite possibly the funniest things ever written. So many lies and false identities. Mainly myself. When I wrote in here I didn't know who I was. I was desperately trying to be something I wasn't. But I'll step off my soapbox now. So much has happened to me in the past year alone. It started with my parents getting a divorce. Granted I loathe my father. So it really wasn't that big of a deal, but it has caused me to basically change how I live. I no longer have the money I used to and I know that makes me sound like a spoiled little brat. Going from having money at all times to barely scraping by...not so good. In fact its the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. Beyond the divorce. I've come out of the closet finally. Not really that big of a shocker, but it has made the greatest impact on my life. I finally have an identity. I am comfortable with who I am and I'm not afraid to show it. Yes being gay has its perks. Girls flock to me wanting to be like BFF and I have amazing clothes and hair. But it also has major downsides. Relationships are near impossible. Most guys want to have sex and that's it. No one wants to take the time to get to know one another. It's really quite sad. Actually until recently I was going to give up and just worry about me and no one else. It's kind of strange how when you least expect something it pops up. And honestly I'm feeling a lot better as of late. Anyways. I don't want to go into crazy details of all of my cryptic language. So perhaps I'll have to write in here again sometime. But if I don't I just want this to be a message to my friends, former friends, and anyone else that may read this. I'm a changed person...scratch that. I am a person finally. You can either get to know the real me or not. That's your choice. But I refuse to change who I am just to make people happy. I am me and that's all there is to it.

yearly update.

2005-09-01T06:09:38Z

So it's been some time. I've had some good times and some bad times this year. So. I'm overly excited to go back to school. And yes I'm serious. I miss being emersed in music. It's kinda wierd. I also miss seeing some of the people from school and the professors. I've got some new goals for the year and none of them involve romance for once. I want to do better in school...I need to dedicate myself to it, lord knows my parents pay enough for it. I also want to start working out. I kinda want to be built, but not insane. Anyways. so School is my main priority. Looks like a social life is out for me.

Good Luck...you'll need it

2005-07-08T07:23:50Z

The Rules
1. Put your playlist on shuffle.
2. Post the first lines to the first 15 songs to come up (along with these instructions).
3. Have people guess the songs and artists in comments to the post.

1. Johnny and Marie are both on their knees.

2. If you found another girl I don't care.

3. You gotta be out there, you gotta be somewhere.

4. There's a girl I know who makes me feel so good.

5. The wind laughs and the world cries.

6. When I said I needed you, you said you would always stay.

7. Don't talk to strangers on the bus, you know that could be dangerous.

8. He went away and you hung around.

9. I wander as I wonder out under the sky.

10. I remember it all very well lookin' back was the summer I turned 18.

11. Fragile and magical shadows silently start to appear.

12. I turn my eyes to lunatic skies of red distruction.

13. Last night I turned out the lights lay down and thought about you.

14. Try my friend to face yourself with all you have in store.

15. Love, has never been easy for me, can't you see I have always been lonely.

crackedemerz @ 2005-06-24T12:37:00

2005-06-24T16:40:38Z

Directions: List your current six favorite songs and then tag six other people to do the same in their journal.

Six favorite songs at the moment:
(In no particular order)
1. Time Takes Time - Marianne Faithfull
2. Fancy - Bobbie Gentry
3. Hear Me - Kelly Clarkson
4. Crazy Love - Marianne Faithfull
5. Flesh Failures (Let The Sunshine In) - The 1968 Hair Original Broadway Cast
6. Honest Mistake - The Bravery

And now the tagging.

1. I
2. Have
3. No
4. Friends
5. Left
6. Period.

looking back through the years...

2005-06-15T06:35:05Z

I just finished reading my ENTIRE live journal from the beginning to the present. I'm actually crying right now. You never realize how much you change until you can examine your life through your own writing. I used to be a person. Now I'm just some shell. I don't feel the same things I used to. Granted...I can tell I've done quite a bit of growing up over the years, but I'm not even close to the same person I was. I used to be a deep person. I used to write poetry and songs and be an actual artist. What the hell happened to me? I'm this whore of a person now and I don't like it. It scares me.

OK

2005-03-14T04:28:10Z

So I haven't updated this thing in ohhhh forever. School is going great, but I really hate my flute lessons. I kinda miss Erv. That's really a shocker. Misty, you know all about that. Work really blows. I work fairly hard, but still get yelled at for stupid shit. I must say Carly rocks. I really have never been closer to anyone else. Loves ya schweetums. And yes...I am a pez heffer. Oh, and that is totally whoo whoo used. Don't ask. ANYWAYS. Thats about it for me.

crackedemerz @ 2005-01-27T21:53:00

2005-01-28T03:00:59Z

Today was quite fun. Went to school and had lunch with Nina at blimpes before our classical civilization class, which we totally decided to get up and leave 15 minutes early. Why did we do this you ask? Well, it's simple really. and the answer is Because we can! Anywhoo. On my way home from the D. I dropped my piccolo off to be fixed as I am now the picc. player in concert band at Wayne and my piccolo is totally falling appart. Then I came home. Sat for a spell. And then Jenny picked me up and I went to the bank. We picked up some subway and I had KFC. Then it was off to Somerset for us. We pillaged the stores, but we couldn't afford much. I actually got the Canadian Cast recording of Phantom of the Opera. Kinda cool I suppose. On the way home Jenny totally ran a red light. It was actually quite hilarious. I guess it would have been a different story if we were killed. But that was my day. Now I'm sitting bored, dreading school tomorrow. Oh yeah, any dakota children doing Solo and Ensemble, come visit me in the oboe warm up room, I'm actually filling in for Casteel. That is all.

Do it!

2005-01-06T01:20:16Z

**YES or NO**

Ugly?:

Kind?:

Quiet?:

Loud?:

Shy?:

Weird?:

Selfish?:

Ghetto?:

Crazy?:

Cute?:

Pretty?:

Sexy?:

Nice?:

Mean?:

Immature?:

Rude?:

Cool?:

Brat?:

Stupid?:

Caring?:

Mature?:

A friend?:

More than a friend?:

Talkative?:

Boring?:

Beautiful?:

Creative?:

Smart?:

A flirt?:

Fun to hang out with?:

A psycho?:

Athletic?:

Confusing?:

Sweet?:

Mood swings?:

Attractive?:

Annoying?:

Funny?:

Hyper?:

Laid back?:

Perfect?:

**JUST SOME QUESTIONS**

1. What is my phone #?:

2. Do you think I will get married?:

(b) If you do..who do you think I'll marry?

3. When is my birthday?:

4. Who is my best friend?:

5. Where did we meet?:

6. Have you ever had a dream about me?:

7. If you could change one thing about me what would it be?:

8. Describe me in 3-5 words:

9. If you could tell me one last thing what would it be?:

10. If you could ask me anything..what would it be?

**PERSONAL**

1. I am the________ person u know.

2. Would you like to kiss me?:

3. Do you love me now?

4. If so, for how long?

5. Why do you love me?

6. a) Have you ever had a crush on me?:

b) Do you still?:

7. If I've dated you, (Be HONEST) Have you ever cheated on me?

8. On a scale of 1-10, what would you rate my personality?:

9. Physically, what's my best feature?:

10. Mentally what is my best feature?:

I updated occassionally...

2005-01-03T19:01:25Z

So Candace said I should update this thing. Hi Candace. UPDATED.

Beyond Happy

2004-12-02T01:06:06Z

Today is the happiest day of my life. Why you ask? This is because I am now the proud owner of an original 1970 vinyl LP of Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls. I have wanted this album for 6 years now and I finally found one. It is apparently one of the rarest LPs ever pressed to vinyl and is worth well over $100 dollars. So. I am excited to say the least.

Oops I Did It Again...

2004-11-21T06:16:49Z

Why do I HATE Britney Spears yet...I LOVE HER? I bought her greatest hits CD and it's like wonderful. Damn. I need a life.

Everyone must fill this out. I'll kill. Watch me.

2004-11-19T02:11:20Z

1. when and how did we meet?
2. have you ever seen me with my shirt off?
3. have you ever seen me cry?
4. describe me in four adjectives?
5. if we could spend a day together what would we do?
6. have we ever gotten in a fight?
7. if you could give me a present what would it be?
8. would you hug me?
9. what do you really think of me?
10. have we ever kissed?
11. has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me, but were scared to?
12. wanna makeout?
13. name one thing you dont like about me?
14. would you ever date me?

crackedemerz @ 2004-11-17T19:21:00

2004-11-18T00:25:17Z

So much is going on. I don't even know where to start. Things are falling apart and then so much good is happening. It's all so hard. I don't even know who my friends are these days. I won't even say anymore on that subject. Thanks Jenny for kinda bein' there for me today. It felt good to have someone actually understand me. I'm really glad we're still close friends. That is all.

It's been too long...

2004-11-10T22:58:03Z

Wow, I haven't updated this in a long time. So let's catch up here. School is going ok, not as well as I hoped, but I'm moving along. I despise Dr. Hill as a teacher. Personally he is a very nice man, but he CANNOT teach at all. Basically his 2 classes are the only ones I worry about. I hung out with Jenny today for a little while. It was fun. We watched some Hanson DVD and I ate McDonalds. Ummm...I went to band today and I really need to practice piano tonight. This weekend I have a date and that's about it for now.

School.

2004-09-09T16:45:24Z

I must say I kinda love school. All of my professors are very nice and one (Dr. Volk) is not only my World Music teacher, but she is also my advisor. She stopped me in the hall this morning before my Ear Training class and we chatted a bit. It was really nice. Yesterday was really long. I had class from 8:30 - 11:30 and then at 12:50 the music majors had convocation until 2:15. At 3:00 I had band and at 5:00 I left for home. I made a new friend at school. Her name is Krystal and she plays the flute as well. We went to lunch yesterday and hung out until convocation. She's really nice. Anyways, I'm hungry, so maybe I'll write later.

crackedemerz @ 2004-09-01T21:59:00

2004-09-02T02:01:30Z

Chair placement tomorrow! GAHHH! Wish me luck ya'll!
Hung out with Carly today. It was fun. We went to the mall and looked around. We sat and I checked out hot girls, but there weren't too many to look at. I have been practicing all day for my chair test. I'm really nervous.

crackedemerz @ 2004-09-01T00:24:00

2004-09-01T04:33:18Z

So, college is about to start. I'm scared yet excited at the same time. This is a new chapter in my life. I'm hoping that I enjoy school now that I will basically be studying what I'm interested in. It should prove interesting. It's been really hard watching all of my friends go away to college. Quite possibly the hardest thing was saying goodbye to Trey tonight with Carly. Trey and I are the ONLY people in this world with the WIERDEST taste in music. Who else could I discuss my insane obsession with the 1960s with? It's going to be hard, but Carly and I will visit him often. On a happier note, I am SOOO glad Carly is staying home with me. Carly and I were great friends in 6th grade when we met. We've had some rough times through the years, and people have come between us, but now we are CLOSER than ever. She is my best friend and I don't think anyone could replace her in my life. I don't know if she knows it or not, but I think my life would not be what it is today without her influences. Blythe FOREVER Carly!
I must say though, I am really jealous that everyone gets to move out of their houses and live without parental supervision. I reeeally hope that Carly and I are able to move out and get an apartment one day! I'm just gonna have to save my money like a freak and hope that it turns out for the best. Well, I'm tired and I will probably be going to bed shortly. Goodnight ya'll!

Fun day...

2004-07-30T04:47:23Z

I had an overall eventful day. Today was my last day of theory at Wayne. I was kinda sad as I have come to love the people in my class. I found out my one friend in the class, Regina, will be in theory 1 with me this fall so that made me feel better. I went to the mall and bought a black zip-up hoodie sweater from the gap, which looks quite nice on me. Then at like 11pm I went to steak and shake with Carly and Trey. Overall, goodtimes were had.

New Icon

2004-07-24T18:19:43Z

Well kids, I unveil my new icon to you. It was time for a change from dear Babs. I still love her dearly, but I came across some lovely pictures of Nico from her Chelsea Girls album and I knew what had to be done. So, here is my Nico "Chelsea Girls" icon. Enjoy.

Orientation

2004-07-20T22:49:13Z

Orientation was well...kinda boring, yet it was very informative. I am actually excited to go to wayne now. It's really not a shit college like I've been thinking all along. Anyways. I've made new friends. They are naturally all music majors, but I've branched out a bit. I've made friends with 2 girls who are vocal ed majors and then a girl who plays violin. They are really nice and when we scheduled, we planned some classes together. So, I guess I'm not going in so blind. Here is my beautiful schedule as my advisor put it:

Monday:
Woodwind Class
8:30am - 9:25am

Theory 1
9:35am - 10:30am

World Music
10:40am - 11:35am

Tuesday:
Ear Training 1
9:35am - 10:30am

Piano Proficency 1
10:40am - 11:35am

Wednesday:
Woodwind Class
8:30am - 9:25am

Theory 1
9:35am - 10:30am

World Music
10:40am - 11:35am

Thursday:
Ear Training 1
9:35am - 10:30am

Piano Proficency 1
10:40am - 11:35am

Friday:
Theory 1
9:35am - 10:30am

World Music
10:40am - 11:35am

General Concerts:
11:45am - 12:45am

...

2004-07-01T06:21:54Z

So, I should definately be sleeping right now, but of course I'm not. I have finally decided to update this thing. Summer is kind of sucking. It's just so overly boring. I am on a weight loss kick. When am I not though? I had my flute lesson on tuesday. It went well and I didn't get yelled at. Mrs. C even said I'm starting to sound like a recording when playing my 2 current pieces. So, I was pretty proud of myself. I've been hanging out with Carly at least 3 times a week these days; which is great. I've missed having a friend that I can always count on and she's definately that and has been filling the emptiness in my life. On monday I ran about 2 miles with Alicia in the sweltering heat. It was naturally awful, but I felt good afterwards. I'm also going to band camp this year as the flute instructor, which should prove to be quite interesting. I have yet to hear anything out of Kristin. She must be having a blast in Belgium. Oh well. I'll see her soon enough. Yesterday I went to best buy and bought a new laptop! Quite exciting, I know. It's all decked out with a CD/DVD Burner and that new Centrino mobile technology. Really fancy stuff. Today I went to the bank and opened up a checking account and I'm also getting a credit card. That kinda made my day. Oh yea, I almost forgot. My grad party went well I suppose. Thanks to all that showed up. A few people didn't show and that disappointed me. Makes me think that they had something better to do with their time than to visit with me. Kinda sad really. Yet again...Oh Well! Tomorrow I am going up to the school at around 10 am to help Casteel organize the band room. Hopefully he remembered to call the section leaders so I'm not the only one there helping. Goodnight all!

Babs!

2004-06-18T03:44:26Z

Natasha, you are an icon genius! I love my Barbra icon!

Happy Birthday To Me

2004-06-06T05:50:36Z

So, birthday party today. Many friends came, a lot had to leave early. We went and played tennis for a while. Definitely fun. Then I got home and Nicole was there so the partying continued. It was nice seeing her. We all watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and then Far & Away. I must say I enjoyed the movies being shown. The seating arrangement was superb. Anyways, all in all the party was quite fun.

Too much to deal with

2004-05-28T00:16:44Z

Ok, so life is getting difficult. It's finally hitting me that after tomorrow, life will be completely different. No more Dakota, no more childhood, no more friends. It's sad really. I'm going to miss a lot of people. I'm really sad though, because I'm just beginning to meet some people that I never really talked to before and now I'm gone. So rough.
I dunno how much more of relationships and shit I can take. Girls are way too confusing. Sometimes they are giddy and talk a ton and then other times they are moody and not talkative at all. I try so hard to keep people happy, but I dunno, it just ends up making me feel bad. Maybe I should just become a little man slut and date every girl I feel like dating, instead of trying so hard to start a steady relationship. I just don't know what will make me happy.